"Grief comes in waves."  That is the saying that plays in my head off and on when something triggers the grief that I feel in my heart around the murder of our friends.  The trigger could be a song, or a picture or even part of a movie that shows mountains and waterfalls.  Each of these triggers has happened in the last week.  My heart has felt heavy with the loss of our dear friends.  My heart longs to be able reach out to them and talk with them.  My heart longs to see Caleb and how he is growing and changing.  My heart simply longs for things to be different.  

I think about the shepherd some times and wonder the "why" of it all.  I also grieve for him and his family.  My mind wanders to ideas of what could have happened in his life that hurt him so much that he could commit such a horrific crime.  I think about the shame this has brought for him and his family.  With this, I was reading an update from Ryan's mom.  She shares about the victim impact letter she wrote for the trial of the shepherd.  She is praying and asks all of us to pray that those who read the letter will come to know Jesus.  She asks us all to pray that the shepherd himself would come to know Jesus.  Specifically she shares truth that God did not create the shepherd to be a sexual predator or a murderer.  Lin states "God created him to fellowship with God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit and serve Him for His Glory.  I also shared how he could “be free from bondage” and experience love, joy, and purpose, even while in prison for many years."

My head nods and my minds says "yes, Jennie.  This is what you believe too.  This is what you want for him and others in the Republic of Georgia.  This is what Ryan and Lora wanted for the people they chose to live among as they too shared about Jesus.  Yet, there is a disconnect that God has revealed to me between my mind and my heart.  I believe God has been revealing to me the dark place in my heart.  The dark place in my heart that screams "NO! THIS ISN'T FAIR!"  I have wrestled with do I really believe the shepherd is worthy of forgiveness and salvation?  Is he truly worthy of standing in Heaven one day where I know Ryan, Lora and Caleb are?  Can he stand before God and worship with them?  Do I really in my heart desire for him to have salvation or is it just something that I think is correct in my mind? I know that none of this is my place to judge.  Yet, my heart struggles.  

Thankfully, Jesus can handle my dark places.  He listens and allows me to get all the ugliness out.  He is patient with me and loving.  He is also forgiving of me and my judgements as I confess them.  Jesus is light and He shines light into those dark places with His word.  God brought me to Matthew 18:12-14  where Jesus says "12 “If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost? 13 And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he will rejoice over it more than over the ninety-nine that didn’t wander away! 14 In the same way, it is not my heavenly Father’s will that even one of these little ones should perish."

The reference to a shepherd is forever changed and etched in my heart with new meaning and imagery.  I can't read the word "shepherd" and not think about this young man.  He knows what it is to care for his flock.  He knows what it is to protect his flock.  He knows what it means to go and look for a lost lamb far better than I will ever know.  Yet, the way that he once cared for his flock doesn't come close to the love and care that our Father in heaven has for each one of us; including this shepherd who murdered my friends.   

As I take time to seek the Lord and process through my loss; God is giving me HIS eyes to see.  God is giving me His heart for forgiveness.  I pray that God would continue to reveal the dark places of my heart so that light can over take them and I am able to live more and more with the light of Jesus shining from within my heart.  I pray that as I seek Jesus and embrace his truth I will have more peace in my heart.  I pray that as I share my story it may bring healing to someone else who is wrestling with similar feelings.