10 months stateside

10 months.  10 months.  Has it really been 10 months already?  How can it be 10 months and I am still falling apart like I am.  Shouldn't this be better?  Shouldn't I be better?  I tell myself to have grace for myself.  I need to allow room for recovery and healing.  In the last 20 months I have lived in 3 countries and 2 different cities in America.  I am still wondering in a foreign land, this land of Sterling is still so foreign.  I feel like an outsider and alone.  I wish someone could know what is in my heart and understand the pain I have.  I miss so much.  I carry so much guilt for leaving.  Leaving Olya.  Leaving Aygun.  Leaving Supare.  Olya writes me and always begs me not to forget her.  What she doesn't understand is that I can never forget her.  I see her in my dreams, I see her when I clean my house, I see her in photos on my walls, I see her in the tea cups in my living room.  I see her when I see kittens.  I wish I could take it all back.  I wish I could change things.  I wish I could be there with her.  I hate that I left her there.  I know how hard it is.  I know the oppression.  I know what she is going through and I just left her there.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I am so sorry.  I wish I could change it.  I do, more than anything.  But, I can't  and for that I don't know how to go on.  I don't know how to just move on with my life and forget her.  I don't know how to just enjoy this simple life that I now have knowing that I left her there.
Aygun.  I miss terribly.  If anyone deserves a better life, an easier life, it's Aygun.  Why is it that I get to leave and she has to stay?  Why was I created for here and she was created for there?  The injustice makes me angry.
Supare.  Why God do Matt and I get to worship and lead people freely here and she has to be there.  Why God do they have to hide and fear?  WHY????  They deserve so much more.
I feel like I am slowing dying on the inside.  I had a freak out the other day because I felt like our table and hutch were too big for our dining area.  I told Matt that I feel claustrophobic and that the table needs to go NOW!  I was seriously freaking out.  (over a table)
Just now, I was laying in bed and I feel like I can't breathe.  I feel like I am suffocating.  I don't know what to do about this.  I know that it is stemming from what is inside of me, but I don't know how to make it all better.  I don't know how to just be "normal" any more.  I don't know how to just live this life here and enjoy it.  I feel like I need space to just fall apart, but there isn't room or time for that.  We have this role now and so many expectations of us again.
We didn't even live there very long.  I feel like in the big scheme of life this all sounds ridiculous.  I mean, our close friends lived there for 10 YEARS!  In this sense I feel so weak.  I shouldn't be struggling in this way. I don't know how to make it all better.